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Feet of Clay quotes page 3
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Colon looked sideways. There was a pipe a few feet away. If he swung his body and really made an effort, he might just miss it by inches and plunge to his death. ‘Who looks at the light? Not some plodding old copper.’ ‘Oh, you’re not that old, sir,’ said Carrot, cheerfully. ‘What about plodding?’ ‘Or that plodding, either,’ Carrot said quickly. ‘I’ve always pointed out to people that you walk in a very purposeful and meaningful manner.’ The crowds were melting away ahead of the bull. A ton of pedigree bull does not experience traffic congestion, at least not for any length of time. When the call came for Corporal Nobbs, it would not find him wanting. It would not find him at all. Nobby was vaguely aware of animals as being food in a primary stage and left it at that. ‘It’s the most menacing dwarf battle cry there is! Once it’s been shouted someone has to be killed!’ ‘What’s it mean?’ ‘Today Is A Good Day For Someone Else To Die!’ ‘Corporal Littlebottom, I order you not to fall off!’ ‘Very good, sir!’ ‘Dis is police brutality…’ Igneous muttered. ‘No, dis is just police shoutin’!’ yelled Detritus. ‘You want to try for brutality it okay wit’ me!’ ‘Yessir!’ said Detritus, with considerable enthusiasm. He removed his badge and laid it down carefully. [A change/mistake is seen in j when Detritus says: ‘I got my badge carved on my arm. Someone c’n try an’ take it off if dey likes.’] ‘And Fred Colon wondered why you’d left the motto in modern Ankhian instead of putting it into the old language…’ [The language is normally referred to as ‘Morporkian’. c.f. j: “ ‘Well, they… I mean… anyone ought to be able to speak Morporkian,’ said Colon.” and tfe: " 'My friend understands Morporkian, your excellency. He just chooses not to pollute the air by speaking it.' "] ‘Did you really punch the president of the Assassins’ Guild?’ ‘Yes, sir.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Didn’t have a dagger, sir.’ Vetinari turned away abruptly. ‘The Council of Churches, Temples, Sacred Groves and Big Ominous Rocks is demanding… well, a number of things, several of them involving wild horses.’ ‘And I expect they need a new dart-board in the Watch House? They usually do, I recall.’ ‘It’s Detritus […]. He tends to split them.’ [Indeed: at the end of G!G! they ask for a dart-board as part of their reward, “Colon took a deep breath. ‘I suppose a dartboard would be out of the question – ?’ ” and at the end of MAA Carrot asks for a replacement, since the Librarian has damaged the first one. “ ‘A new dartboard, sir. It helps the men relax after their shift, sir.’ Vetinari recovered a little. ‘Another one? But you had one only last year!’ ‘It’s the Librarian, sir. Nobby lets him play and he just leans a bit and hammers the darts in with his fist.’ ”] ‘I’m sure I just gave you an order, Commander. I distinctly felt my lips move.’ ‘Nevertheless, Commander, I’ve had no less than nine missives from leading religious figures declaring that he is an abomination.’ ‘Yes, sir. I’ve given that viewpoint a lot of thought, sir, and reached the following conclusion: arseholes to the lot of ‘em, sir.’ Dorfl held up a hand the size of a shovel. ‘I, Dorfl, Pending The Discovery Of A Deity Whose Existence Withstands Rational Debate, Swear By The Temporary Precepts Of A Self-Derived Moral System – ’ ‘You really want more pamphlets?’ said Constable Visit. ‘Oh, my god!’ said Constable Visit. [Not that amazing, really, but it just struck me that Visit is perhaps the only character to blaspheme with a single god. Everyone else says ‘Oh, gods!’ The only exception I can remember is when Brutha remembers he has left Om in his room, and says 'Oh. My god.' in SG.] '[...] The Three Of Us Will Labour And Buy The Golem Shmata Who Toils At The Seven-Dollar Tailor's In Peach Pie Street [...]' [A sneaky reference to the joke in Reaper Man: A door burst open and a suit of clothes came out [...] 'You come back here!' [their owner] screamed. 'I still owe seven dollars for you!' A second pair of trousers scurried out into the street and hurried after them. [...] 'That's bloody amazing!' said the Archchancellor. [...] 'I don't know many tailors round here who'd throw in a second pair of pants for a seven dollar suit.'] ‘This comes under the heading of gross profanity and the worship of idols – ’ ‘I don’t worship him. I’m just employing him,’ said Vimes, beginning to enjoy himself. ‘And he’s far from idle.’ ‘But the gods plainly do exist,’ said a priest. ‘It Is Not Evident.’ A bolt of lightning lanced through the clouds and hit Dorfl’s helmet. There was a sheet of flame and then a trickling noise. Dorfl’s molten armour formed puddles around his white-hot feet. ‘I Don’t Call That Much Of An Argument,’ said Dorfl calmly, from somewhere in the clouds of smoke. ‘It’s tended to carry the audience,’ said Vimes. ‘Up until now.’ ‘Hrolf Thighbiter’s asked me out,’ said Cheri shyly, looking at the floor. ‘And I’m almost certain he’s male!’ Angua stared at him. It was the stare that Carrot so often attracted. It roamed every feature of his face, looking for the tiniest clue that he was making some kind of joke. Some long, deep joke at the expense of everyone else. Every sinew in her body knew that he must be, but there was not a clue, not a twitch to prove it. |
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Feet of Clay quotes page 3
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