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Jingo quotes page 3
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‘I dunno,’ [Nobby] moaned, ‘I’ve only been a woman ten minutes and already I hate you male bastards.’ And the camel rocked from side to side. There was no real way of judging distance, except by haemorrhoids. ‘He is being looked after by an old lady whom I trust.’ ‘Your mother?’ ‘Ye gods, no! My mother is a D’reg! She’d be terribly offended if I trusted her. She’d say she hadn’t brought me up right.’ ‘Oh, no doubt the man would suggest there were mitigating circumstances, that he had an unhappy childhood or was driven by Compulsive Well-Poisoning Disorder. But I have a compulsion to behead cowardly murderers.’ The man had a point. The man had a whole sword. ‘I’LL CUT YER TONKER OFF’F YER YER GREASY – Oh, is that you, Sir Samuel?’ [Willikins seems to have picked up some dwarf slang – in Lords and Ladies it is revealed that ‘tonker’ is a dwarfish word.] ‘How many were in this Klatchian patrol, sergeant?’ he said. ‘Nineteen men, sir.’ ‘That’s a very precise count, in this light.’ ‘I was able to enumerate them subsequently, sir.’ ‘You mean they were all killed?’ ‘Yes, sir,’ said Willikins calmly. 'Let us not forget, though, that even General Tacticus was outnumbered ten to one when he took the Pass of Al-Ibi,' he said. [One thing I didn't notice for quite a while is that Terry is having some fun with the Klatchian place names. This one is 'alibi', and we have also had Al-Khali ('alkali') and Gebra (which, with the addition of the ubiquitous 'al', would make 'algebra'.)] ‘At least you will admit that the Seven Heroes of Hergen beat the Big-Footed people although outnumbered by a hundred to one?’ ‘Yes, sir. That was a nursery story, sir. It never really happened.’ ‘Are you calling my nurse a liar, boy?’ ‘And I promise you this,’ he shouted, ‘if we succeed, no one will remember. And if we fail, no one will forget!’ Probably one of the worst rallying cries, Vimes thought, since General Pidley’s famous ‘Let’s all get our throats cut, boys!’ but it got a huge cheer. He sighed. For the serious empire-builder there was no such thing as a final frontier. ‘However, said Ahmed, handing the bows to a D’reg behind him, who handed him another loaded one, ‘out of deference to the sensibilities of Commander Vimes here, I’m settling for one in the thigh and one in the toes. We are, after all, on a mission of peace.’ He turned to Vimes. ‘I’m sorry, Sir Samuel, but it’s important that people know where they stand with me.’ ‘These two don’t,’ said Vimes. ‘I will kill the first man that moves,’ said Ahmed. ‘Then the second man that moves will kill you, traitor!’ shouted the Prince. ‘They’ll have to move very fast,’ said Carrot, drawing his sword. ‘Any volunteers to be the third man?’ said Vimes. ‘Anyone?’ ‘Arrest the lot of ‘em. Conspiracy to cause an affray,’ he stared to count on his fingers, ‘going equipped to commit a crime, obstruction, threatening behaviour, loitering with intent, loitering within tent, hah…’ ‘But, Vimes, you’re on our side–’ Rust began. ‘Bloody hell, I’m going to shoot someone today and it could just be you, Rust,’ Vimes snarled. Was this the army that invaded your country, ma’am? No, officer, they were taller than that… How about this one? I’m not sure – get them to march up and down a bit… ‘Carrot’s a copper, same as me.’ ‘A man like that could inspire a handful of broken men to conquer a country.’ ‘Fine. Just so long as he does it on his day off.’ He found most of the Watch sitting out of the wind […]. They all seemed to be fully alive, with the usual slight question mark in the case of Reg Shoe. ‘I’ve declared half-time,’ [Carrot] said. ‘So I’ve sent some of the lads into Gebra to get four thousand oranges. Shortly the combined Ankh-Morpork regimental bands will put on a display of counter-marching while playing a selection of military favourites.’ You couldn’t turn around and say ‘but not him’. Ahmed would snigger. Old Stoneface would turn in all five of his graves. ‘And then you’re hung, drawn and quartered.’ Carrot looked embarrassed. ‘I know about the hanging and quartering but I’m not sure how you’re drawn, sir.’ ‘Are you any good with a pencil, captain?’ said Lord Vetinari innocently. ‘No, he’s not!’ said Vimes. Sybil waved the knitting at him. ‘She’s organised a committee to knit socks for our brave lads at the front, but it turns out you’re back. And I haven’t even worked out how to turn a heel yet. She’s probably going to be annoyed.’ ‘Er… how long do you think my legs are?’ ‘Um…’ She looked at the knitting. ‘Do you need a scarf?’ Sam Vimes tried to look as serious as any man can when he’s holding a loofah. ‘No! You’ve done this to me before! […] the dartboard we’ve got is nearly new! […] There is nothing we want!’ [A dartboard is indeed part of the normal ‘reward’ for the Watch. They’re allowed a new one by the Patrician at the end of each of the previous Watch books, gg, maa and foc.] '[...] and a coronet, I believe, with knobs on and-' 'You can take that coronet with knobs on and-' [They're talking about the coronet Vimes will get when he is a duke, and it contradicts TFE when Vimes and the Patrician have the following exchange before Sir Samuel leaves for Uberwald: 'I'd better go off and polish the knobs on my coronet, hadn't I...' 'The ducal coronet, if I remember my heraldry, does not have knobs on. It is decidedly... spiky,' said the Patrician. A case of alternative pasts, I suppose.] ‘I bow to your knowledge of the female psyche,’ said Vetinari. ‘I saw her face just now. No doubt when she next takes tea with her friends, who I believe include the Duchess of Quirm and Lady Selachii, she will be entirely unmoved and not faintly smug in any way.’ |
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Jingo quotes page 3
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