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Men at Arms quotes page 3
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I proseeded in the company of Corporal, C. W. St. J. Nobbs… [I think that this is the first time we hear Nobby’s full initials – we did already know he was called Cecil, though.]  From the back, Vetinari looked like a carnivorous flamingo. Dwarfs were easy to cater for. Rat-on-a-stick was simple enough, although it meant a general improvement in Dibbler’s normal catering standards. Cuddy’s act appeared almost magically in his hand. ‘I’ll cut your knees off,’ he said. [Dwarfs are famous for axing their enemies’ legs off at the knee (gg). They normally have a drink first, though.] Detritus was considered moronic even by city troll standards. [The thinking helmet he acquires later obviously helps a lot: by the time of j we are told that ‘Detritus’s intelligence wasn’t too bad for a troll.’] Cuddy was being too nice. When a dwarf was nice like that, it meant he was saving up to be nasty later on. ‘Hah, I been a man only hardly any time,’ said Detritus, ‘and already I fed up with you stupid trolls.’ [Nobby says something similar in j: “‘I dunno,’ [Nobby] moaned, ‘I’ve only been a woman ten minutes and already I hate you male bastards.’”] ‘Where this go?’ ‘It goes away from the people chasing us!’ ‘I like this alley.’ ‘He can’t even afford boots?’ ‘I don’t think so. I know Lady Sybil offered to buy him all the new boots he wanted, and he got a bit offended about that. He seems to try to make them last.’ [Vimes has capitulated by the time of foc, because he swaps his new, good quality boots with a guard outside the palace.] Mysterious caves and tunnels always have luminous fungi, strangely bright crystals or at a pinch merely an eldritch glow in the air, just in case a human hero comes in and needs to see in the dark. Strange but true. There was, on the whole, no real racial prejudice in Ankh-Morpork. [Some has certainly erupted by the time of Jingo, when the Klatchians are driven out of the city.] ‘It’s either that, or stay down here eating rat for rest of your life.’ Cuddy hesitated. The idea had a certain appeal… ‘Without ketchup,’ Detritus added. ‘I think I saw a fallen stone just a way back there,’ said the dwarf. In all the worlds graced by their presence, it is suspected that [orang-utans] can talk but choose not to in case humans put them to work, possibly in the television industry. In fact they can talk. It’s just that they talk in Orang-utan. Humans are only capable of listening in Bewilderment. ‘Dlog, glod, Dlog, glod–’ ‘Listen, you… troll! It’s the simplest song there is. Look, like this “Gold, Gold, Gold, Gold”?’ ‘Gold, Gold, Gold, Gold–’ ‘No! That’s the second verse!’ Someone thumped at the door. ‘That’s probably an angry mob right now,’ said Nobby. Carrot opened the door. ‘It’s not an angry mob,’ he announced. ‘Ook.’ ‘It’s an orang-utan carrying a stunned dwarf followed by a troll. But he is quite angry, if that’s any help.’ ‘Shot at you?’ ‘Five time,’ said Detritus, happily. ‘Have to report damage to breastplate but not to backplate on account of fortunately my body got in way, saving valuable city property worth three dollars.’ ‘Stop making shadow pictures, Detritus.’ ‘Oook.’ ‘What him say?’ ‘He said “Do Deformed Rabbit, it’s my favourite”,’ Carrot translated. [This running gag was first used in Moving Pictures, and then in Small Gods.] ‘We’re dealing with a sick mind here, men.’ Underground light dawned on Cuddy. ‘Ah,’ he said. ‘You suspect Corporal Nobbs, sir?’ ‘This is worse.’ [This echoes a conversation between Carrot and Vimes in gg] ‘Mind you,’ [Colon] said, ‘someone who could shove a sword into a stone… a man like that, now, he’s a king.’ [Lord Rust made the same kind of foreshadow-y comment earlier on.] ‘Finally, has there been, in your opinion, an irreparable breakdown of law and order in the city?’ ‘They overturned Throat Dibbler’s barrow and made him eat two of his sausages-inna-bun!’ ‘Oh, I say!’ said Colon. ‘Without mustard!’ ‘I think we can call that a Yes,’ said Carrot. He ticked the page again and closed the book with a definite snap. […] ‘According to the Laws and Ordinances of Ankh-Morpork […]’ [This book was thrown at Wonse in gg and Vimes later told the Librarian to take it away and put it very somewhere safe, because it was too dangerous. Perhaps Carrot has found it again.] ‘Ain’t you heard?’ said the flustered man. ‘The trolls have set fire to the Palace!’ He followed Carrot’s gaze up Broad Way, to where the Palace stood squat and dark in the early evening light. Ungovernable flames failed to billow from every window. ‘Question, sir?’ said Angua. ‘Yes, Lance-Constable Angua?’ ‘Who’s the enemy?’ ‘Looking like this, we won’t have any problem finding enemies,’ said Sergeant Colon. They stretched away in the candlelight, shelf on shelf of them, tiny little clown faces – as if a tribe of head-hunters had suddenly developed a sophisticated sense of humour and a desire to make the world a better place. As for Gaspode, he was resigning himself to a life without love, or at least any more than the practical affection experienced so far, which had consisted of an unsuspecting chihuahua and a brief liaison with a postman’s leg. ‘Family used to live up Kingsway. Used to be as rich as Creosote.’ ‘Who was Creosote?’ ‘Some foreign bugger who was rich.’ ‘Oh.’ ‘Have you got any previous convictions?’ ‘Well, I dunno… I suppose I used to believe very firmly that a penny saved is a penny earned–’ Nobby was a terrified blur. When you are swinging a spiky ball on a chain, the only realistic option is to keep moving. Standing still is an interesting but brief demonstration of a spiral in action. ‘Where are we?’ said Angua. Foul Ole Ron’s trail was hard to follow. There were so many other smells. [Foul Ole Ron’s trail is hard to follow? A werewolf is having trouble tracking a man whose smell is so pungent it has its own personality?] ‘He’s mad, isn’t he?’ ‘No, mad’s when you froth at the mouf,’ said Gaspode. ‘He’s insane. That’s when you froth at the brain.’ [Angua] tugged a sheet off the bed and draped it around herself as a makeshift toga. [Something she has to do again in j. You get some interesting skills, being a werewolf.] ‘It’s not right. People ought to think for themselves, Captain Vimes says. The problem is, people only think for themselves if you tell them to.’ Besides, some of the Watch had got it into their heads that the way you got promoted was to conscript half a dozen other guards. At Detritus’ current rate of progress, he was going to be High Supreme Major General by the end of the month. ‘You can really talk?’ said Carrot. Gaspode rolled his eyes. ‘’Course not,’ he said. [Vimes] wasn’t exactly an atheist, because atheism was a non-survival trait on a world with several thousand gods. The service itself was going to be performed by the Dean, who had carefully made one up; there was no official civil marriage service in Ankh-Morpork, other than something approximating to ‘Oh, all right then, if you really must.’ ‘Coalface? In the Watch?’ Dink. ‘Corporal Carrot says there’s some good buried somewhere in everyone,’ said Detritus. ‘And what’s your job, Detritus?’ Dink. ‘Engineer in charge of deep mining operations, sah!’ Gaspode got to his feet. ‘Now, are you going to come on out or have I got to come in there and be brutally savaged?’ They heard Big Fido’s irate yapping. ‘Cowards! That’s not twenty feet across! That’s nothing to a wolf!’ The dogs measured the distance doubtfully. Sometimes a dog has to get right down and ask himself: what species am I? ‘Lat’ral thinking,’ [Gaspode] muttered. ‘That’s the stuff. Now, a wolf, your basic wolf, he’d jump, and if he couldn’t jump, he’d be stuck. Whereas me, on account of superior intelligence, can assess the whole wossname and arrive at a solution through application of mental processes.’ He nudged the gargoyle squatting on the angle of the gutter. ‘Ot oo oo ont?’ ‘If you don’t help me down to that balcony, I’ll widdle in your ear.’ IS THAT SOME KIND OF BURIAL CUSTOM? ‘Don’t you know? You are Death, aren’t you?’ THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT BURIAL CUSTOMS. GENERALLY, I MEET PEOPLE BEFORE THEY'RE BURIED. THE ONES I MEET AFTER THEY'VE BEEN BURIED TEND TO BE A BIT OVER-EXCITED AND DISINCLINED TO DISCUSS THINGS. ‘And your next move, Mr Carrot?’ said Vimes. [Goodness knows why he calls Carrot ‘Mr’ this one time.] Carrot nodded. ‘Yes. But personal isn’t the same as important.’ [This phrase of Carrot’s comes back again in Jingo. It’s also said by Granny Weatherwax to Ridcully in lal.] He was a good copper. That had got said at every guard funeral Vimes had ever attended. It’d probably be said even at Corporal Nobbs’ funeral, although everyone would have their fingers crossed behind their backs. ‘Perhaps the city does need a king, though. Have you considered that?’ ‘Like a fish needs a… er… a thing that doesn’t work underwater, sir.’ [This follows on from Colon’s comment in gg about archery (‘Of course, once you learn you never forget, it’s like riding a – riding a – riding something you never forget being able to ride.’). Both sayings remain unfinished, as the bicycle is an unknown invention - except to Leonard of Quirm. However, the concept of a ‘bicycle’ has seeped into the world of the undead – in Reaper Man, Schleppel makes the comment that ‘A bogeyman needs a door like a fish needs a bicycle!’] He snapped the lid [of the watch] shut, and read again the words on it: ‘A Watch From, Your Old Freinds In The Watch’. Carrot had been behind that, sure enough. Vimes had grown to recognize that blindness to the position of ‘i’s and ‘e’s and that wanton cruelty to the common comma. ‘Corp– Captain Carrot?’ ‘Sah!’ Carrot stared straight ahead of him with the glistening air of one busting with duty and efficiency and an absolute resolve to duck and dodge any direct questions put to him. |
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Men at Arms quotes page 3
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