Hogswatch poem
This was originally a 'Never-ending poem' on a messageboard. The first part was written by the board administrator, and the second part by me.
‘Twas the night before Hogswatch, and all through the Uni
the Bursar was running around like a loony.
The Reader in Runes was under the stair,
In hopes that the Dean would not find him there;

The librarian was nestled all warm in his rug,
Under his desk in the library, as snug as a bug;
And I in the dining room, with a seasonal cup
Of mulled wine and brandy, had just started to sup,

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair yelling "Ye Gods what's the matter
with Wizards today can't they just give me a break,
it's Hogwatch eve, for the Hogfather's damn sake!"

The moon on the breasts of the long dead Archchancellors
Shone ever more brightly than it had done before,
When, what with my eyes should I happen to have seen,
But the reader in Runes being shaken by the Dean.

For Runes had forgotten a present to give,
And the Dean was now certain that Runes should not live!
"Where is it, you scoundrel?" shouted the Dean.
"Have you forgotten, or are you just mean?"

"Gods, no," stuttered Runes, slowly backing away,
"I'm saving my presents until Hogswatch day.
I know all the others are under the tree
(I've noted there's quite a large pile for me)

But when all the presents laid out there you spy
Then, being a wizard, it's natural to pry.
You poke them and shake them and then, once you've guessed,
It's boring the next day, you're never impressed.

So I've a new tactic to make it all fun:
I've hidden my presents for you, every one.
They're all tucked away, Dean, so try as you might
You won't get your present until Hogswatchnight."

With that, he retreated back up to his room
The rest of the faculty emerged from the gloom.
"Right chaps, let's muster, we must use our powers
To find all those presents, we've only five hours!"

The Chair cried, and all of the others agreed.
A wizard will always be filled with the need
To tamper with presents; for him, that's the fun
And so the Great Hogswatch Eve search was begun!

They searched in the cupboards and wardrobes and chests
And soon Mrs Whitlow was less than impressed
For they raided the Laundry and asked every maid
If they’d seen any gifts and could come to their aid.

When chased from the Laundry, they all ran outside
(Well, I ran - the others, far less fit, just tried)
And searched in the grounds, in the pond and the hives
You’d have thought they were searching for the sake of their lives

So frenzied and frantic were all their attempts
And even the HEM wasn’t exempt
Young Stibbons and Drongo and all of the rest
Were shouting and yelling, and doing their best

To evict all the wizards, but to no avail.
The Dean, in particular, did not want to fail,
So the labs were all ransacked, and Hex was then quizzed
By the Chair: “Tell us where his damn hiding place is!”

He was yelling, while, secretly, unseen by all
A figure was creeping ‘cross the lawn to the wall:
‘Twas Runes! Then quite noiselessly he slipped through the gate
To the city – grand Ankh-Morpork! – (and though it was late

On Hogswatch Eve, this city of ours never rests)
So Runes could quite easily fulfil his quest
To buy all his presents – the cheater had lied!
So while we were all searching, and thus occupied

He went to the market for last-minute shopping!
When the Dean had accused him, he’d known we’d be hopping
Mad, if we knew that he hadn’t yet bought
His presents for us lot, and so he had sought

To buy himself time, so he’d told us a lie
For he knew we’d start searching, he knew that we’d try
To find all our presents, and wouldn’t perceive
That he’d taken this fine opportunity to leave

And buy all our presents, and we’d never know
That Runes had been ever so terribly slow
To do all his shopping! And sure enough, soon
Old Runes sneaked back inside, and up to his room

Pausing just briefly in the midst of his flight
To say to us “Well, chaps, it’s now gone midnight
So I guess it’s now Hogswatch, and, since I’m so kind
I’ve brought out the presents you’re trying to find.”

And quickly to put them all under the tree,
With labels: “The Dean,” “The Chair,” and one, too, for me
And all of the others. The ruse was so clever
That the Dean, once so angry, was happy, and never

Did he suspect Runes for what he had done.
So now, every Hogswatch, we hide – just for fun –
Our presents. This ritual now, it appears,
Will stay with us all through the next hundred years.

So I’m writing this poem, to let you all see
How this mighty tradition at first came to be.
So, when it’s Hogswatch, and you’re having fun
Remember how the Hogswatch Eve Search was begun!