The Fifth Elephant quotes page 1
page 1 page 2
Colon pulled a couple of round, white-painted paddles from his belt, sighted on the Watch House semaphore tower peeking over the top of the old lemonade factory, waited until the watching gargoyle signalled him, and with a certain amount of verve and flair ripped off an impression of a man with stiff arms playing two games of table tennis at once.



The fire had taken hold in a first-floor room [of the Fools’ Guild].
‘If we let it burn it’d be a real blow for entertainment in this city,’ said Carrot earnestly.
Vimes looked sideways at him. That was a true Carrot comment. It sounded innocent as hell, but you could take it a different way.



You did something because it had always been done, and the explanation was ‘But we’ve always done it this way.’ A million dead people can’t have been wrong, can they?



‘Adopted by dwarfs, brought up by dwarfs. To dwarfs I’m a dwarf, sir.’

[This is a bit of a change from early books, eg in maa: “The whole issue of Carrot’s keenly embraced dwarfishness was a difficult one for the more politically-minded dwarfs.”]



‘Yeth, mithtreth?’ said Igor, materializing out of the shadows.
‘Go and tell the children of the night to make vonderful music somevhere else, vill you? I have a headache.’



There were plenty of dwarfs around now who had been born in Ankh-Morpork. Their kids went around with their helmets on back to front and spoke dwarfish only at home. Many of then wouldn’t know a pick-axe if you hit them with it. [Footnote: At least, if you hit them hard enough.]



‘Any fall-out from last night? No sulphurous incontinent cats have come forward to confess?’



‘Tact and diplomacy will be called for.’
‘You have come to der right troll for dat, sir,’ said Detritus.
‘You did push that man through that wall last week, Detritus.’
‘It was done with tact, sir. Quite a fin wall.’



‘You’d better show us the d– the person who is currently vitally challenged,’ [Reg Shoe] said.



The way [Reg Shoe] saw it, dying was really just a career change. Been there, done that, worn the shroud…



Carrot went and looked out of the window. There was a typical Ankh-Morpork street scene outside, although people were trying to separate them.



‘Really,’ said Gaspode. ‘Nothing good starts with “I need your help.” ’



A pigeon chose that diplomatic moment to flutter into the factory and land on Colon’s shoulder, where it promoted him.



A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.



The little flickering part of his brain that was still sparking coherent thought through the fog of mind-numbing terror that filled Colon’s head was telling him that he was so far out of his depth that the fish had lights on their noses.



[Colon] thought of writing like he thought about boots - you needed them, but they weren’t supposed to be fun, and you got suspicious about people who got a kick out of them.



‘The number of internal disciplinary charges you have laid against your men’ – and here the Patrician picked up a much thicker document – ‘seems somewhat excessive. I see no fewer than one hundred and seventy-three offences of eyeballing, earlobing and nostrilling, for example.’
‘Sah!’
‘Nostrilling, acting captain?’
‘Sah!’
‘Oh. And I see, ah yes, one charge of “making his arm fall off in an insubordinate way” laid against Constable Shoe.’



Gaspode wasn’t sure of his own ancestry. There was some terrier, and a touch of spaniel, and probably someone’s leg.



Several faces he vaguely recalled from last night were missing now. Presumably some travellers had started off even earlier, which meant that the news was probably running ahead of him. He’d staggered in, covered in blood and mud, carrying a crossbow and, d’you know, when they went back to look there were seven dead men. By the time that sort of story had gone ten miles he’d be carrying an axe as well, and make that thirty dead men and a dog.
The diplomatic career had certainly got off to a good start, eh?



After a while they passed a clacks tower. Burn marks on one side of the stone base suggested that someone had thought that no news was good news.



Detritus made a rumbling noise. ‘I don’t mind going back if–’
‘Shut up, sergeant. You’re a free troll. That’s an order.’



‘You don’t mind?’ said Lady Sybil. ‘It’s a troll’s head! Someone actually mounted a troll’s head and put it on the wall!’
‘Ain’t mine,’ said Detritus.



‘Great store is set by titles here and it is best to play with a full deck, mmph.’
‘I was once blackboard monitor at school,’ said Vimes sharply. ‘For a whole term. Would that help? Dame Venting said no one could clean a blackboard like me.’
‘A useful fact, your grace, which may possibly be helpful in the event of a tie-break, mmph mmhm.’



It had been a complete shot in the dark. But lately he was on the lucky side when it came to nocturnal targets.



Vimes awoke a few times, to the sound of thuds from downstairs.
‘Snow leopards,’ he muttered, and drifted away again.
There was a louder crash.
‘Moose,’ murmured Lady Sybil.
‘Elk?’ mumbled Vimes.
‘Def’nitely moose.’
Some time later there was a muffled scream, a thud, and a sound very much like the sound made when a huge wooden ruler is held against a desk and twanged.
‘Swordfish,’ said Sam and Sybil together, and went back to sleep.



Well, he thought, so this is diplomacy. It’s like lying, only to a better class of people.



‘My husband is a little unwell at the moment,’ said Serafine, in the special wife voice which Vimes recognized as meaning ‘He thinks he’s fine right now but just you wait until I get him alone.’

[In my UK Doubleday hardback copy it says: "'He think's he's fine [...]'". Who let that apostrophe slip through?]



‘We were expecting one of the more… experienced… diplomats.’
‘Oh, I can hand around he thin cucumber sandwiches like anything,’ said Vimes. ‘And if you want little golden balls of chocolate piled up in a heap, I’m your man.’



‘Just a feelin’, sir,’ rumbled the troll. ‘I know “fick” is my middle name…’
‘I didn’t know you had a first name, sergeant.’



‘This is the Wa-’ Vimes stopped. It wasn't the Watch, was it? Not out here. The badge didn't work. He was just an inquisitive trespassing bastard.



‘Now, Sam, what happened at the tower?’
‘I don’t really want to worry you, Sybil.’
‘Well, now that you’ve got me really worried, you may as well tell me.’



Lady Sybil herself usually wore ballgowns of a light blue, a colour often chosen by ladies of a certain age and girth to combine the maximum of quiet style with the minimum of visibility. But dwarf girls had heard about sequins. They seemed to have decided in their bones that if they were going to overturn thousands of years of subterranean tradition they weren’t going to go through all that for no damn twinset and pearls.



It was definitely evening dress. You couldn’t get away with it in daylight.



'I find this highly suspicious, Sam.'
'Detritus will back me up on this,' said Vimes.
'Dat's right, sir,' the troll rumbled. 'You distinctly said to say dat-'



There were others in the elevator as it rumbled downwards. Mostly they were diplomats that Vimes didn’t recognize, but there was also, now, in a roped-off corner, a quartet of dwarf musicians playing pleasant yet slightly annoying music that ate its way into Vimes’s head as the interminable descent went on.



Vimes had once discussed the Ephebian idea of ‘democracy’ with Carrot, and had been rather interested in the idea that everyone had a vote until he found out that while he, Vimes, would have a vote, there was no way in the rules that anyone could prevent Nobby Nobbs from having one as well. Vimes could see the flaw there straight away.
page 1 page 2
The Fifth Elephant quotes page 1